Sunday, June 14, 2009

My Way

People are only watching, they only commenting, they didn't feel the pain, they didn't feel the hurts. I came to Jakarta for fixing my life, I cannot depend on my family forever. For months I apply to every single company on internet or newspaper, I went to rent internet almost every single day, for six months I was unemployed. I was a telemarketer in Surabaya for a day, I phoning everybody from phonebook to buy credit card, in the early morning my boss ask me how we doing, and our answer is "Luar Biasa". I was a mall marketer, I asked visitor in Carrefour to help WWF with their credit cards, they told me how to ask people nicely, I must take about three meters, make a big smile and using right hand and say "Hello... have a couple of minuites, do you have a credit card? the visa or the master card?", and until the middle of the day we didn't get one person at all, my brother angry to me and ask me to stop the job and I agree with him, I will so ashamed if I meet my friends, I do that job for two days.

Three times I went to Jakarta for interviews in some companies, most of them reject me, I was accepted in two places, first, as a programmer that I forget the language, it just unusual programming language, in a small office in Grogol, they pay me less and I think Im the only programmer they have, so I reject it, the second is as Delphi programmer in Tanah Abang, I feel bored with Delphi, and in the same time I was accepted to be trained in Balicamp although I pay for that training. This office accept me with the all I have. And it's not a coincidents, I read Core Java both parts of the book, Eli give me the books, it's hundreds of pages, I read the beginning chapters over and over again. I fix my computer, I ask my sister to buy me a computer memory, I learn Java. I do my best in this office, I'm not interested to move, I do want to be rich, everybody want, but I'm not expecting that, I know myself, I receive myself if I'm not reach and success. As long as this office need me, I will stay and take care my job, but as if it didn't need me anymore, I will find other office that receive me. I just don't want to go home to Surabaya.

Not everybody will understand my way, I was in Jakarta before, in Cilandak, my office was in blok A in front of Darmawangsa Square, I was there for seven months with Delphi and ASP. It was glorious, one of the clients are multinational bank, the building is in BEJ or in Juanda, but I feel so empty, I thirst of religion, I feel so young, and I have money. My childhood is a religious environment, most of my friends are in traditional schools, one of them still school in Lirboyo Kediri. I told my mom that I want to learn religion for a while, I said I have money, I accept if I enter the beginning class. My mom is happy, she said don't worry about the money, she think I will continuing my grand father paths having my own traditional shools, doesn't matter if the students are few, we are proud if we have ours. So I went to Kediri. I live and sleep in a room with about fifteen friends in 4 by 4 meters room. I wear sarung and kopyah, I read arabic letters, I pray a lot, I remembering so many beautiful words in arabic, we discuss a lot, we did a lot of activities.

But it was a mistake, I was too old, I already broke, that place is for good people, I'm a bad person, in my age I should take a job not go to school, I just such a man that don't know my age, some said that I just en empty person, some said I just like new Lia Eden or someone who will have new kind of religion. I was in Lirboyo for six moths, went home in a bad way. After that time my life is finished, I feel the same thing when I'm in last years in college, it just happened again. I just felt.

At home, I was nothing, but not until a week, I join my senior as ad Delphi programmer in Graha Pena, but I cannot concentrate myself, I loose all my confidence, I just such a living manequin, I had a bad attitude, I always respect my senior, but I will runaway if I meet him again for hiding, I regretting myself for that time, I was in that office for three months, I've got fired because my bad attitude. It complete my pain.

Most of office I've applied asked me why I went to Kediri, why I often moving on my previous offices, or is I ever asked why I was fired, and always asked me why I need six years for my bachelor. I cannot answer their questions, it just happened to me. I didn't know the answers, I think I only quite until they ask me another question. In that time I already pessimistic I will not accepted, but I believe there is company that will receive me with all I've done.

I write this post to say to myself that I'm not empty in my religion. I read AlQuran better rather than most of people here. This place is town different from my village. I live in two different places, I wear short pant and play futsal here, I half naked when I swim, I cannot read AlQuran loudly here, sometimes I read quitely in afternoon or in the morning. I live in nonmuslim, Chinese house, office give me this home address, I don't want to move, I'm tired for always moving. A living friend of mine ever asked me why went to Kediri, I said for learning my religion, he cannot understand what I did, he even didn't understand why I pray five times, he different religion. So do people in my home, my aunt ever asked my what school I take, I said I learn computer, she asked me again is there any knowledge for other electrical stuff, I said there is a machine technique or electronics. A friend of me in Kediri talk to me and imagine how do I work in Jakarta, he asked me if I wear tie and blazer, I said no, I just wear usual clothes and shoes. I also not like Lia Eden or someone who make a new religion, perhaps I'm lack of my religion knowledge, but it's too far away from my mind, I just ordinary person with a lot of mistakes and sin.

I am a software engineer, graduated from reputable university, many young men want to be like me. My field is software, not religion, but I do want to do as my grand fathers did, perhaps I not teach my students, I can as an investor building the schools, let people who learn religion teach my students, or I raise poor or don't have parents children, we teach them religion, such like my uncle did in Surabaya. I already choose my path, it already happened to my life, let me do my way in my own life.

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